Friday, September 28, 2007

Australia Ditches "Down Under"

The continent Australia has decided collectively to lose the "down under" nickname.
Apparently the sexually suggestive nature of the name just became too much for the rest of the world to deal with.

In a recent interview Australian Prime Minister John Howard states that, "Years and years of use, has turned into constant abuse! You don't think that we've heard every single "what's going on down under" joke there is don't you? It was funny for a moment but now this has gotten bloody ridiculous. I can't go to the corner store without someone coming up to me and saying, "How are things down under?" in reference to my privates. That is not the type of world I want my children to grow up in."

Australians across the continent are upholding the decision. An all out ban on the use of the words "down under" has been placed on the community.

Howard stated that he is determined to make the rest of the world recognize that Australia is not just a bunch of potty humour. He has vowed to make it his mission to ensure that while Australia may seem to be on the bottom half of the world to the rest of civilization, they certainly wont be the bottom end of dirty jokes under his watch.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Neighbour Plans to Have Cat's Neutering Reversed

In a press conference earlier this morning Sheila Jackson announced that her neighbour is planning to have her pet cat Slinkie's neutering reversed.

Jackson stated that, "It came to my attention that she wanted to have the unusual surgery done when she asked me if I knew of anyone who performed Feline Neutering Reversals."

It is unclear as to what the exact motive is for why the neighbour wants to reverse the operation, but one possible motive is to breed the cat.

Slinkie (14), had previously been declared as the biggest cat in all the land by his owner, Jackson's neighbour. Recently Jackson discovered that the neighbour had found another cat equal in size and proportion to Slinkie, and Jackson believes that the neighbour plans to breed the two giant Calico's to create a type of "mega-cat".

The neighbour was contacted for clarification but he refused comment, and walked away from reporters with a jacket over his head. Slinkie also refused comment but did emit a large "mrrrrrrrr" as reporters were leaving.

An interesting twist to the story came when it was uncovered that Cat Neutering Reversal surgeries are actually not scientifically possible.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

The Word On The Street

Today's word on the street is "How".For too long people have been concerning themselves with all the wrong questions. Even trained professionals, journalists as they like to be called, often times focus their efforts in entirely the wrong areas. The world has gone stagnant by failing to recognize that there is more than the ever popular "five w's".

There was a time when we needed to know "why that happened" or "who it happened to", but that time has come and gone. Now what we need to know is "how that happened?"

With the answer to our problems now clearly in our laps many people are continuing with the trend and asking "how could we let this happen? How did we not change our ways sooner?"

The reality of the situation is that we cannot be faulted for our inaction. If Barbara Walters, David Letterman and even the great late Peter Jennings could not see the error in their ways, how could we be expected to do anything different? What is important is that we have seen the light, and now know that "how we can make a difference" is as simple as focusing on the h word.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Elementary School Teacher Admits to Not Flossing Regularly

From "Headlines"

Area teacher Michael McAdams was forced to face the music yesterday as it came out that he fails to floss regularly.

The news came when Joey Fellows (one of his 4th grade students), walked into the school bathroom to the gruesome scene of McAdams brushing his teeth then packing up his toiletry bag and leaving without doing the necessary flossing that should follow.

Fellows told Daily Universe reporters that it was one of the most awfullest moments of his entire life. "I just couldn't believe it", said Fellows, "I mean here is the guy who is telling me that I have to work hard to make sure that I know my multiplication tables, and that using a calculator all the time is the wrong way to go. And I find him not flossing? How am I supposed to take anything he says seriously now? I tell you, it's back to the calculator for this 4th grader."

McAdams defended his actions by stating that even though four out of five dentists agree about the importance of flossing, why do we never hear from the fifth dentist? He believes that were the fifth dentists given a fair voice like the other four there would be a tidal wave of support for abstaining from flossing.

While the school board decides on what to do with McAdams and what the necessary punishment will be, kids at the school are being encouraged to continue with their regular oral hygiene routine.

Friday, July 20, 2007

America Resigns as World's Superpower

In a statement released today by Whitehouse Press Secretary Jackson, The United States has informed the rest of the world that it will be handing in its resignation as the world superpower.

Jackson stated that the authorities realized that all of a sudden things "got really ugly" and they may have bit off a bit more than they can chew. When asked for comment Condoleezza Rice stated that, "Really it was just a matter of time, as much as we'd all like to go reeking havoc all over the world for an eternity everyone grows old, America does too."

This resignation has implications that will be felt throughout the world. All of a sudden countries are straightening their ties and polishing their shoes hoping that they will become the next world superpower. Favourites heading in are China and the longstanding rival to the Americans Russia, but many are saying, "Are we really ready for the commies?"

In light of such varying opinions there may be room for a sleeper country like Austria or Denmark to sneak in. Citizens in Denmark have been spotted doing extra cleaning in their houses and the Austrian ski teams have been training through the night in the hopes that their efforts wont go unnoticed.

George Bush was asked for comment on the issue but he declined the offer stating, "I'll deal with all of this after I watch the British Open this weekend, I'm really pulling for John Daly"